Handsome is what handsome does

All right, no more Eurovision this year, I promise. Not even to gloat over Germany's victory, nor to swoon over dimpled disturbing Daniel, nor to wonder how on earth the Swedes can yet again blame - not themselves, not Europe - but the Swedish competition's organiser for not winning (or even making the final). Although honestly. They had 32 songs to choose from, for Heaven's sake, and incidentally they were all better than the, er, Munch-inspired number from Ukraine... No, enough is enough. On to higher things. Like, oh I don't know, "The Tudors" maybe.

Can anyone explain to me why one keeps watching this series? Normally, there are two kinds of period drama inspired by real historical events: those who are faithful to historical facts, which can sometimes become a bit long-winded, or the pacy but historically unreliable ones, where even fairly urbane law-enforcers can suddenly be found snarling "He doesn't need his tongue, then tear it out" in dark torture cellars.

What is fascinating with "The Tudors" is that it is neither historically accurate nor particularly pacy. A bit of bed-hopping cannot disguise the fact that it takes ages over every plot thread. Remember than never-ending divorce procedure? And Anne Boleyn took a goodish hour-long episode to execute. At the same time, those in the know continually point out historical errors, like a mix-up over popes, or the fact that Henry VIII should have become the pig-eyed fatty we know from the portraits long ago, instead of hardly looking a day older or a pound heavier than when he was a golden young prince. The historical doubtfulness starts with the title. Why "The Tudors"? Because there had already been a series called "Henry VIII"? Because the series-makers hope to carry on with Henry's children's reigns eventually, though at this rate they won't be able to kill him off until approximately the year 2020? Whatever the reason, a series called "The Tudors" should in all honesty start with Henry VII. As a true supporter of Richard III (not that he was anything like Shakespeare's version, more's the pity) I heartily dislike Henry VII, but I would still have been interested to see a period drama about his reign. His marriage with Elizabeth of York must, all things considered, have been a pretty tense affair, and surely a great deal could be done with the rebellions instigated by more or less dubious pretenders claiming to be Yorkist princes. But no - instead we get yet another re-tread of the story about Henry VIII and his six wives.

And yet I keep watching. Why? Is it because of James Frain's unusually comely Thomas Cromwell and his troubles? At first contemptuous of Henry, whom he runs rings round intellectually, he is by now becoming seriously rattled - when Henry makes him a knight he glances nervously at the sword blade, as if he were afraid that the ceremony could become an execution any moment. A stupid king you can work with, or around, but a psychopathic king is a bit less comfortable. Frain's Cromwell is by far the most interesting character, and he has comic timing too. Consider this not too subtle exchange:
CROMWELL: We must continue to destroy the brothels and slaughterhouses.
HENCHMAN: Sir?
CROMWELL: The monasteries.
Not exactly razor-sharp, you will agree, but thanks to Frain's slight disbelieving pause before the last line and his irritable do-keep-up-tone it drew a giggle from me.

Another reason to keep watching, if like me one is not so very taken with the Tudors and their shaky claim on the throne, is the series' take on Henry VIII. Appropriately, it's a real hatchet-job. The man is a preening, violent, volatile menace to society. I have never seen a less likeable Henry VIII, and that is saying something. In fact, a fat suit would probably increase our sympathy for him, rather than the opposite. While Henry whores and slashes his way through his reign without noticeably changing, you start to feel reminded of "The Picture of Dorian Gray".

Still I must say that if you want to watch only one series about Henry VIII, you'd do better with the one honestly called "Henry VIII" starring Ray Winstone as a thuggish but not certifiable king, Helena Bonham Carter as Anne Boleyn and Danny Webb as yet another watchable Cromwell. It is pacier, better written and probably a great deal more reliable.